good baby. bad baby?

"Is she a good baby?" 
This is a question I get fairly often from a lot of different people...from old acquaintances to random strangers in the grocery store.

And every time I hear it my insides get a little tense. 

I almost never say what comes to mind...
 I just smile and say "she's the best."  

"Is she a good baby?"

 {What does that even mean?!}

Is your puppy cute?! Of course your puppy is cute! All puppies are cute -- even the ugly ones!
What kind of a question is that??

For whatever reason this question really bothers me. If you're asking if she's good that means you think she could be bad. What makes a baby bad? Seriously. I'm curious.

Maybe what they mean to ask, "Is she a happy baby?"

That is what I think most people are really asking... is she happy? 

But if that's the case, then are you saying

 if she's not happy (i.e cries a lot or doesn't sleep well etc.) she is a bad baby?
And that is the part that I dislike the most. The thought that being happy is equal to being good, insinuating that if your baby fussed a lot or didn't sleep well he/she was bad {because she was too much of a bother to her parents}.

I doubt most people think of it that way when they ask.

I'm sure it is mainly a way for people to make small talk. I'm sure they mean well.
I'm sure I'm just a crazy person lol.
But it really does get me thinking about the mindset so many have towards children...
that they are less important -- their feelings, their wants, their needs
And that makes me sad.. 

I really want to help change the way our world sees children.

I'm excited :)

photo credit: Jenni Photography

do we expect more from our children than we do ourselves?

a couple weeks ago i had a really bad day.

 i was acting like a total brat.
{i was going to use the other b word buuuuut....}

 i was acting that way because on the inside, emotionally...i wasn't doing too well.

and  i was hungry.

 and i can get pretty upset when i'm hungry.

 and there was no food in the house.
ok let's be honest. there was food.
just nothing quick and easy and i didn't want to cook.

 i was also exhausted and of course scarlett didn't want to nap {looking back i was probably so high strung and upset that she couldn't relax enough to go to sleep. my trying to force her to sleep was not helping}.

 i wish i could give some grand excuse for my behavior that day.

 but i can't.

 i'm just human. 

moving on.

at one point i barged into the room alex was studying in

 {at the time it was the week before the bar}...

yelling and demanding that he watch scarlett and saying some other {not so nice} things. 

and at one point i set scarlett down next to him and just walked out. 

alex being the gracious, patient man that he is, listened to me and then watched scar so i could calm down. but when i came back i guess i was still upset (about God knows what) because once again i started yelling.

basically i was throwing an adult tantrum. haaaa. not my proudest moment. 

somewhere in there with my ridiculous accusations towards alex and my incessant yelling

 his patience may have started wavering ;) 

he got a little defensive and i may have been told to calm down.
 and i hate that. 
so all of that just made it so much worse for me. i just yelled {some more} and said things i didn't mean.

 but thank Jesus for husbands that love their wives more than themselves. he is so full of love and i don't know how he does it but he quieted himself. listened to me. and hugged me.

 i just wanted a hug.

 i just wanted him to listen to me talk about this terrible day i was having...

about my frustrations.

 i wanted my feelings validated. 

although i don't think i knew that's all i wanted until he gave it to me.

 but as soon as he did, i just melted.

 i cried for a while and apologized over and over again.

 i then spent some time crying with Jesus (and scarlett on my lap, looking curiously at my tears)

 and let Him give me grace. 

after that the rest of my day was better. 

i was able to give to scarlett the grace, patience and love she deserves that i was having a hard time giving to her before because my own love cup was getting low. 

but thanks to my Father God and loving husband i felt so

 refreshed.

so i guess....all this to say...

the next time your child misbehaves or throws a tantrum...
think about what you would want if it were you.

would you want your loved one to just walk away from you because they wanted to "teach you a lesson"?
would you want a lecture?

or would you want someone to listen to why you're upset, why you're acting this way?
or just sit with you while you cry?
hug you?
and then when you've calmed down and if you had done something hurtful or messed up in some way,
that person can talk to you about that...lovingly...after they have connected with you.
and i know i would be much more receptive to listening to what they have to say and learning if i felt understood and cared for.
................................................................................

i know that it is God's love that betters me.
 it is His love that turns me from sin.
not scolding, not punishment, not shaming.
but love.
His empathy and patience.
His forgiveness.
His kindness.

those things build trust in someone. they make your relationship and connection with that person stronger.



when S throws a tantrum i want to be there for her while she expresses her big feelings the only way she knows how right now.*
just like alex was there for me when i was irrationally angry at him.
i want her to know that it's not only ok but healthy and good to express her emotions.
her feelings are not wrong.
she just needs to be taught and shown appropriate ways to express them.

little s is not even one yet so i have a lot to experience and learn.
i am so excited for that.
 and would love to learn from you mommies, daddies, parents-to-be, teachers and caregivers!

how do you handle your child's big feelings?
what have you found works for your family?

how do you handle your emotions?
i'm pretty good at letting those get out of control too fast.
this is something i need help with!









*something to consider: 
"For children under age 4 to 5 years old, did you know that they don’t understand consequence at all? Their brains simply aren’t yet developed enough to understand cause and effect – so any kind of discipline similar to time-outs is being completely lost on them! Their left and right brains up to the age of 4 to 5 years old are essentially operating independently. They are unable to think logically, and with compassion or empathy. They are almost primarily governed by impulse and emotions and will act selfishly when playing with others. Concepts such as sharing are foreign to them, though they may mimic or parrot this kind of behaviour back to you if driven home repeatedly."

what do you think? have you done any research on brain development in children? 
would you like to? 
i want to! i have done very little so far! i have a lot to learn.
so please share!

i pray.

recently as i've been praying for scarlett this verse has come to mind...

"[your beauty].... should be that of your inner self, 

the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight."

1 peter 3:3-4

scarlett has such a sweet spirit. she is calm and already so affectionate. my guess is she is going to be all about touch like her momma :) i look at her as she sleeps so soundly and sweetly (alright sometimes it's not so sound so then i pray for that too! ;) and i imagine her growing up in this world and being hurt, i think about how while i will never intend to, somehow, some way i will be the one to hurt her. and my heart breaks. 

and i cry. i want so much to protect her from everything. but i know i can't.

so i pray.

 i pray hard. more than anything i want her to know Jesus.

 i want her to experience His love. His grace. His mercy. His protection. because tho i have fought it in the past--only with Jesus am i completely free. so i pray. i pray that i will be the mom God has called me to be...one of grace and forgiveness.