wow. ok so first of all i have to say thank you to all of you.
your out pouring of love and support after my last post where i opened up about my infertility, has been a huge blessing, water to my soul.
some of you shared your own infertility stories with me and that touched me in such a special way.
i feel honored and can't wait to get to talk to you more!
one of you, an old friend, even offered your eggs to me.
whoa.
i can't even put into words how that feels.
a lot of overwhelming feelings the last couple weeks that bring me to tears rather often.
in a good way.
the holidays are almost over...
ok they were almost over when i started writing this a couple days ago but now they're really almost over...as in a few hours.
which means.... alex and i are {supposed} to talk about how we want to move forward
and make a decision.
since our last failed cycle of IVF, i've been saying,
"after the holidays we'll figure things out... after the holidays....after the holidays..."
i (and alex) needed a break.
needed to at least pretend to forget about all of this...
to relax.
and it has mostly worked.
i can tell that i have not allowed myself to dwell on or accept the idea that i may not have anymore babies for a long time,
because when i write about it and therefore really think about it...
my heart starts to ache and i always cry.
....but now the holidays are pretty much over.
and the time has come.
lol.
and that makes me anxious...
in an exciting way but also a nervous way.
i know we don't have to make any decisions before we want to.
and we're not going to rush into anything.
but i still feel this pressure to do something!
i know it may not seem like a big deal to a lot of you...
and ultimately i guess it's really not.
but i don't want my kids far apart in age.
that was never a part of my plan.
however, being told i couldn't have more than one kid was never a part of my plan either. ha.
i have zero idea of how many kids we will end up having....
but God knows i don't want them spread out over years and years.
if i had it totally my way i would just be getting pregnant with our third right now haha.
just to give you an idea of where i'm at. ;)
Adoption
i have always...and i mean always wanted to adopt.
my heart has always been drawn to foreign countries where there are too many unwanted kids to count.
when i was a kid (ish) i planned out my family lol and
i had 2 or 3 biological children and a little girl from china
{oh i recently read that there are many more boys in need of families in china now because so many people are waiting for girls and passing up the baby boys. i thought that was interesting...and a little sad.)
and a baby boy from africa.
ha.
now that i'm older i realize how many babies in my own country need a family.
since my first failed cycle of IVF (in july) i have been thinking, praying, wondering and praying some more about all of this.
over all i have felt more peace than i could have ever guessed i would feel in a situation such as this.
that doesn't make it hurt less but it gives hope.
i have hope that my God is going to do something awesome in these shitty circumstances.
and hope is a powerful thing.
i often think that this is a way to force us (in a sense) to adopt.
alex may not currently be as passionate about adoption as i am but he has always loved the idea and has been more than open to it.
but i think with our financial situation
{basically being that we don't have a lot of money haha}
adoption would continue to be put on the sidelines if i was able to get pregnant.
it cost tens of thousands of dollars to adopt....
that's intimidating for a family with little to no savings.
when we think about adoption now we usually think about domestic adoption.
my mama self yearns for another newborn..a newborn newborn.
and that doesn't usually (if ever?) happen in a foreign adoption.
also, domestic adoption is usually slightly less expensive because of the lack of travel expenses.
tho keep in mind i am very new to this so i don't know a lot about the process yet so if i'm ever wrong about something please point it out!
as scared as i am of having to find the money and as much waiting as there often is and the possibility of lots of ups and downs i am very excited about the thought of adopting. it makes my heart light.
Fostering (to adopt)
this is something i never thought i would consider doing.
i've always said it takes really special people to do this.
how heartbreaking to have a child apart of your family and then to have them taken away?!
i don't know that i'm emotionally ready for this.
but at the same time, how selfish on my part.
it's too hard for me?
what about that sweet child?
how much harder for him/her....?
this is something we have been discussing recently.
fostering with the intention and hope to adopt.
it would not cost us much/any money so that would not be an inhibitor.
but we would want to keep the birth order.
so would wait for a baby younger than scarlett...
the younger the better.
which again makes me feel selfish because i know there are so many older children/teens that need a family.
but for my daughter's sake i'm not willing to bring in an older child right now.
but this has more than opened my heart to fostering and i think that it is something that i really want to do as we/scarlett and any other kids we may have get older....
apart from our current situation.
it takes about 4-6 months to get licensed.
a random fact as i don't have anything to add to that.
this is a big possibility for us and something that moves my heart unlike anything else.
the idea of {what could only feel like our baby} being taken away from us after months/years breaks my heart. i can't think about it without tearing up.
hummmmmm.
thank you to my good friend, mary who has a heart for fostering and has talked to me a lot about it! she has had a big impact on the way i think about it.
Donor {eggs}
when my Dr first told us he didn't think i could get pregnant with my eggs he went on to talk about using an egg donor.
my heart immediately jumped!
no it wouldn't be mine biologically but i could have another baby sooner rather than later and i could be pregnant again.
i loved being pregnant.
and i absolutely took it for granted.
i never once thought that this could be the only pregnancy i would experience.
people would tell me i was born to make babies haha...
it's funny but now makes me sad to think about it.
i had an awesome pregnancy (minus the first trimester of constant puking)
and an amazing birth experience.
{i} thought i was born to have babies.
i loved it.
but then he said it cost $11,000 for an anonymous donor.
and insurance never covers it.
thru sobbing i eventually asked if they had payment plans.
he laughed (thanks) and said 7k went straight to the donor so no, no payment plans.
which makes sense but we don't have even close to $11,000.
he said we could find our own donor and that would be cheaper.
but you don't just ask someone for their eggs.
"hey, can you give yourself shots for weeks and then let the Dr dig up your cervix and take out some of your little half babies and then give them to me?"
that's weird.
but like i said at the beginning of this post,
a friend so selflessly offered hers to me.
something i'm still trying to grasp my head around.
but i am sooo grateful for her.
even if she changes her mind down the road or we decide not to use a donor - the fact that she has offered this part of her will forever mean the world to me.
i don't know what we will do about this... but i do know that we will try IVF again {we have 2...possibly 3 more cycles that my insurance will cover for almost nothing on our part} before we use other eggs.
all i know is that i am in love with the thought of possibly being pregnant again.
so there you have it :)
we would soooo appreciate any prayers and wisdom you have to offer on this subject.
