26 weeks

How far along?/UPDATE: 26 weeks! so so happy to have made it to this week.

early friday morning i was woken up for vitals. i sat up to get my blood pressure taken and i felt a big gush....i knew one of their bags had broken. and i think i just said "shit." and then started crying. and then said shit a few more times. and the "Jesus help them" and then fuck. the tech got my nurse and a bunch of them rushed in to get me on the monitor to see if i was contracting but before they did the dr came in and said to move me to L&D. i was in panic mode.....i really thought that once your water broke that was it,  baby(ies) were coming within 24 hours. so i was scared. i called alex and he didn't answer...still sleeping. once i got to L&D my favorite resident came in very comforting, minus the checking my cervix part which hurt like a mofo, i was so tense already. but she couldn't even feel it, which was a good sign. they continuously monitored me. and monitored the babies every four hours. i had some really great L&D nurses...one in particular, Bonnie really advocated for me and my comfort. alex got there mid morning and stayed the day. it was nerve wracking, glad we were together. that night sucked and i barely slept. but i was still stable so alex and scarlett came back on saturday. that afternoon my awesome nurse got them to move me back to the perinatal floor....i got a bigger room than i had before with a futon this time. i was so happy to be back here....it felt like going home in a sense. so far so good. everything is the same as it was before friday. just watching for infection now. still not in labor! 

Weight gain: i haven't gained anything since i've been here (2 weeks)...in fact i may have lost a pound. the hospital dietitian actually came to my room to ask me if i felt like i was eating enough. it was awkward. at that point i was eating a TON. tho not so much the last couple days. kinna lost my appetite. so i'm still at about 160.

Sleep: i sleep well when they let me sleep :) when i got back here on saturday they wanted to monitor babies every 8 hours. which meant i had a late night session and for a few nights was up until 1-2am.
but they just changed that yesterday! so now my last session is around 6pm - boom.

Symptoms: heartburn occasionally.

Favorite moment this week: getting to be close to alex and scarlett on monday. i love them.

Hardest moment this week: see water breaking story above :) and include the next 4 days.

on monday alex and scarlett came to visit. they got here in the morning during my first NST. but we had already gotten a solid 20 minutes of babies, which is all they need. so when they got here i called the nurse to come in so she could get me off the monitors. it took her a while, had to call the resident. so i moved a bit to say hi to my loves and that moved the monitors / babies so they wanted to get ANOTHER 20 minutes of the babies. which is not 20 minutes...it's at least an hour but usually more because they spend so much time looking for them and then they move constantly. so long story short it turned into me getting super anxious, losing my cool, telling them i was going to take the monitors off myself, refusing anymore right now.  (i asked to talk to the dr who at the time i felt like was telling me if i refuse to be monitored my babies could die - which afterwards i realize is not really what she was saying but i was a hot mess). i have such limited time with alex and scarlett i didn't want it wasted strapped to the bed, with multiple people in the room hovered over me so i could barely even have a conversation with them. and in my gut i knew the babies were fine. there has never been any reason to worry about them. after i started crying and let go of some of the feelings that had been building up over the last few days i agreed to let them finish the session....and it went pretty quick. i think the doc ended it a little early. thankfully i have a lot of incredibly empathetic nurses (and doctors) that made me feel less crazy and i was so glad for my husbands support....that he was there while i had my first meltdown with the staff. :)
oh and on that note.....you probably shouldn't be a nurse if you don't have a crazy amount of empathy for people.very thankful for all my kind-hearted nurses and techs. they make this stay a whole lot easier. i've gotten some special treatment since then, too haha.  i kept apologizing to my nurse and dr for getting all testy and she said i should see how some of the other patients get...."at least you were nice". man, if she thought i was being nice then i wonder what other moms get like hahah....makes me feel less alone....wish i cold hang out with the other moms on bed rest here.
anyway. i've had an emotional week,,,,i thought i would be going home today. but now i'm here until the babies are here. and i'm honestly having a hard time with that right now. i want them in as long as possible.....but i want to go home so bad. i cry every single time i talk to alex now.....or sometimes i can hold off until i hang up. my heart breaks thinking about scarlett. i'm extra sensitive about everything. what are the stages of grief? i've been in the depressed stage. but now it's moving into a mix of depression and anger. i feel a little angry that this is happening. no doubt i sound like an ungrateful soul. i hate that. i want to feel only thankfulness for my situation. thankful that i get these babies even at the expense of missing out on what i imagined my last pregnancy to be, and missing out on this summer with scarlett. and then there's the whole NICU thing. they will be in the NICU because they will be here before 34 weeks. which means.....well. it means so many things that i never thought i would have to deal with personally. i won't get to hold or nurse them right away, scarlett won't get to meet them until they are released. those things probably seem so small to a lot of people.....but they're a big deal to me. and then of course the possibility (depending how soon/late they're born) of brain bleeds, cerebral palsy or deafness or blindness. of course those risks go down significantly every week. at this point survivability isn't even 100%. but it is very likely. and i don't think about whether they will live or die. i can't. but i really do believe they will be ok. i should just be happy, right? i'm so thankful for these babies...probably more so than i ever have been if that's possible. i love them more than anything. (well you know, along with my other kid and husband). i just want them to be healthy. and every week, every day gives them a better chance. i will do everything in my power to give them that.
.............but oh how i want to be home.

how many more stages of grief are there before acceptance? :)

Cravings: i had my frappuccino craving filled over the weekend!
it was delicious, made only better by my sweet friend who brought it!

otherwise, i crave anything not served at a hospital.
and today my sister visited (yay!) and she brought me the best tasting alfredo pasta i have ever had and a salad!

Miss anything? my darling family. and my little home. oh how i daydream about being home.

one reason i hate communicating how hard this is for me is because

i know how lucky i am. i am so so lucky. 

i could go on and on about people all over the world who are actually, truly suffering.

and friends who are fighting for their children's lives - unsure if they will ever be ok.

moms who are dying of cancer.

moms who went into preterm labor at 18 weeks and had no hope of saving their baby. 

women that can't get pregnant at all who would literally do anything to be in my situation.

ugh. 

my situation is disappointing and really hard sometimes but it's most likely going to 

have a happy ending. (please God!)

please know that i know this. 

i'm lucky.

and i don't mean to complain. 

but i'm a big feeling person.

i feel deeply and show those feelings.

i'm not so good at keeping them to myself most of the time. 

and this is hard.

but overall i am just so excited to meet my babies in the right time! 

i can't wait to get to know them!

26 weeks. miss scarlett and our white wall and chalkboard.

25 weeks

How far along? 25 weeks! every week feels like an extra big miracle now. i've been in the hospital for over a week now. the first few days were rough. a lot of tears. talking to NICU drs and all the high risk drs and being told i will be on complete bed rest for the rest of my pregnancy was shocking and very disappointing. i'm feeling better, trying to keep perspective because i know things could be so so much worse......but still at times feeling disappointed about this summer and everything i can't do. i had expectations and desires for how this pregnancy, my last pregnancy would be. and this was not it. but we all know that life rarely goes as we plan, right? :) and honestly, i'm just so glad there's something i can do to help them grow! so bed rest it is. i'm starting to look forward to the challenge of keeping my mind and hands busy these next weeks...there are a lot of things (sitting down things) that i've wanted to do for a while, books that i've wanted to read but i'm always so tired by the time scar is asleep that i usually waste time watching tv or just go to bed myself. and also, the last few weeks i was feeling kinna burnt out from life.....just so tired all the time. both physically and mentally. i was really wanting a break....like a night or two alone in a hotel room. so i think this may be a good thing for me! it's much longer than a night or two haha but i think it will be a good mental refresher. as long as i can be at home and at least get to read with and snuggle my baby and husband before bed every night. i admit i will not be feeling so positive if i end up needing to stay at the hospital for a longer period. but i would work through it and eventually be ok. :)

the plan right now is to re-evaluate at 26 weeks (1 more week from today!!!). as long as nothing has changed and i have not dilated anymore they will send me home with strict restrictions (getting up only to use the bathroom and a quick shower occasionally lol and to go to dr appts. which will be quite often i imagine).

the babies are doing well....they're growing as expected, moving around a lot a lot :)
every morning the nurse does a NST -- puts the monitors on my belly and searches for the babies heartbeats. they try to get 20 minutes of them but they move around so much i'm usually laying here for over an hour while the nurse finds them. and then 3 times a day they monitor my contractions for an hour at a time. i'm really only contracting once every few hours it seems...if that. so everything/one is stable.

Maternity clothes: yes except that since i'm living in a hospital bed i'm just wearing alex's t shirts and underwear. my underwear. not his.

Sleep: "i like the way you sleep." - nurse tech 

i've actually slept pretty well here at the hospital. i have my blanket and pillow from home and a sound machine. *everyone* that comes into my room for the first time comments on how comfy i look.  they do monitor me for contractions for the last time at 11 until around midnight so i don't usually go to sleep until after that and then a tech comes in about 6am to check vitals. but in between midnight and 6 they leave me alone. i'm pretty happy with my sleep here haha.

Symptoms: my rib area is sore. kinna uncomfortable. i pee every hour or so.

Best moment this week: i've had a lot of beautiful moments this week. all of the staff here is so so sweet. my friends and family...and people that i barely know (!) have been so encouraging and supportive and helpful and loving and it makes such a difference to feel that love. i love love. i'm really so thankful for everyone that is helping alex and scarlett. thank you from the bottom of my whole heart and soul. i'm grateful for the people that let me feel what i feel, without judgement. that empathize with me. that let me say...sometimes insist that i say....this sucks. it really sucks. yes, it could be a whole lot worse. a whole lot. but it still sucks and it's ok to be sad. it's healthy to express and work through those feelings.

one of my favorite times this week was when the Rector from the church we just started going to about a month ago came and visited me. i barely know her but she has been incredibly welcoming since our first week there. not only did i feel very encouraged that she came all the way out here to see me when she barely knows me, i genuinely enjoyed my time talking with her. i got to hear a bit of her story and we talked theology and i found out she's a fan of Rachel held Evans (!!!) -- she was really excited to see i was reading her book. i was really excited that she was excited :) who knew i would find a church in mchenry county where the pastor and i hold such similar beliefs?! not me that's for sure. i have felt a connection to this church since we first visited....it's the only church we have visited more than twice since we've been married....and now we've gone 5 times in a row! big deal for us, guys. well, i've only gone 4 times but alex and scar went last week while i was here. anyway. i have been feeling so uplifted, so light hearted, so happy the last few weeks about finding this church and when i found out i will need to be on bed rest one of the first things i thought of was not being able to go to church....i was worried about losing the connection, about people forgetting about us (tho alex and scarlett are still planning on going without me)....i donno...i genuinely enjoy the service and the worship. so i was really encouraged when Fran came to visit. it was good for my soul.


Hardest moment this week: i've also had a few lonely, down in the dumps moments this week. mostly after alex and scarlett leave. i hate not being able to go with them.

Cravings? frappuccino! it's so funny that my one consistent craving is coffee....right now fancy, creamy whipped cream filled coffee haha.

(ps it's funny because i'm not a coffee drinker)

Miss anything? hahah. my husband and daughter. my home. and walking around. lol

lots of monitoring

sweet flowers from a sweet friend

thanks to skype i get to read with these two before bed most nights.

getting pushed around the hospital and going outside with my faves was definitely a highlight of the week!

my view.

i made our dinosaur baby a hat! i will probably be adding a cape and maybe a diaper cover as well.

these little butterflies take about 3 minutes each to make. perfect way to use up scrap yarn!

aaaand my 25 week bump in my awesome hospital, disposable underwear.
to celebrate making it another week i showered and put on some eye liner and got clean sheets put on my bed lol.

24 weeks

***UPDATE***

yesterday i went to my routine, bi-weekly check up with my MFM for a quick growth scan of the babies and to have my cervix measured. 

the babies look great. baby boy weighs in at 1 lb 7 oz and baby Star weighs is at 1 lb 8oz.

but my cervix had gone down to 2.5 cm which is no longer in the good range...it's when they start to worry....it was even shorter, 2cm, when they pushed on my uterus. my dr then did a pelvic exam and found i was dilated about 1 cm. so i was sent to labor and delivery to be monitored to see if i was contracting. they found that i was having tiny contractions (or "irritability" of the uterus as they call it. not full blown contractions.)

so they started me on an IV and some meds to stop anything from progressing. i was also immediately given a steroid shot for babies lungs just in case i were to deliver soon.

i got there about 2:30 and a short few hours later my OB came in and checked me again and said i was more like 2 cm dilated and 90% effaced. so they sent me via ambulance around 8pm to a hospital with en excellent NICU... just to be safe. just in case.

so here it is 1:30 in the morning and i can't sleep. 

after all the people coming in to talk to us and all the monitoring and blood draws our room was finally empty and quiet at 12:30. 

alex is sleeping now and i'm writing.

my drs and nurses here are so so so great. 

i'm feeling very well taken care of and they are good at being realistic and not sugar coating the possibilities but also being positive and uplifting which helps me not freak out. 

at 24 weeks the chance of babies surviving earthside is 70%....but out of that 70% only 30% go on to live "normal" healthy lives. good news is every week (hell, every day) those chances go up and up.

my OB said they would keep me here until at least friday or saturday but since i've been at LG i'm getting the impression they may keep me much longer.....tho it really depends on how the next couple days go. either way i will definitely be on bed rest. 

it's going to be ok. our babies will be ok.

i keep telling myself that and i think i am really really starting to believe it.

but it's been a shock. 

everything was going so well. 

i almost canceled this appt yesterday because S was a little sick and i figured it could be put off.

so glad i didn't.

there have been no more changes since we've been here. 

the babies, especially baby girl are moving like crazy. making it literally impossible for them to get the 20 minutes of heart monitoring done. 

i'm just glad the dr isn't making me keep those on. so itchy! 

but they're not worried about the babies themselves. we're worried about keeping them in there.

i dropped scarlett off at my parents right after i left the MFM and she's been there ever since. 

having a sleepover at grandmas. she seems to be having a good time and i am so thankful my mom is close by and so willing and quick to help! thank you mom!!! and siblings!!!

we love you and are eternally grateful.

and of course alex didn't hesitate to leave work for the afternoon to go with me to the hospital.

which i knew he wouldn't but i'm grateful to have a partner like that. i'm also so glad he has bosses who are so understanding.

we were both in tears. it was honestly just so surprising it took time....is still taking time to process.

oh, and after hearing how upset alex was on the phone his dad and step mom jumped in the car to drive out to be with him/us. all our family is pretty great.

but i told the doc their names so now he's always calling them by their names and not baby a and b and i love it :)

they're gonna be ok.

i'm worried about alex and scarlett. 

so i ask for your prayers for my family. for our littlest, that they continue to be able to grow safely inside me for at least another 10 weeks. may as well make that 13 weeks :)

for our big sister girl, that while i am on bedrest she feels loved and secure and is able to understand what's happening and that it won't last forever. 

for my sweet husband, that his nerves would be calmed, that his anxiety would be none. that he would be overcome with peace and hope.

this is so so hard for him.

and me. that i will let go of my expectations for this summer. 

as of this morning i was told that when / if i go home i will be on bed rest.

i can get up to use the bathroom and get myself a quick something to eat but then i need to

be laying down.

i'm feeling really sad about missing out on this last summer as a family of three.

i wanted to do the beach and the zoo and hikes and gardening and the pool and cleaning and nesting for the babies. 

i will find other ways to make this summer fun for us. i know a lot of good will come from all of this and i have so much to be grateful for and i am.

and yes, i know it's only one short summer of our lives and that it will all be more than worth it. 

but right now, today, i'm sad. 

How far along? 24 weeks. about the length of an ear of corn.

Total weight gain: i'm at 160 so i think that makes 22 lbs.

Maternity clothes: yeah, mostly dresses and maxi skirts.

Sleep: um...it's been ok.

Symptoms: indigestion still. uncomfortable belly/rib area.

Favorite moment this week: on monday scarlett had a high fever all day (mom of the year that my favorite moment starts with that) and was very sleepy. we spent the day on my chair, her laying on my lap, talking about random things and reading and her sleeping. she didn't seem in pain at all so it was just so relaxing and so refreshing to just sit and talk and nap and read all day.

Hardest moment this week: when my dr told me i was dilated a little bit and was going to send me to L&D. i started tearing up right away. thankfully he's a very empathetic.

Looking forward to: getting past the next few weeks and into safer territory for our babies.

ambulance ride from barrington to park ridge

alex sleeping last night.

24 weeks today. that's the contraction monitor under my pretty gown.
also, i can't figure out why this photo is so squishy. oh well.