a birth story // theodore + clementine

**written June 9**

Theodore Charles
(meaning Gift of God)
2lbs6oz 14 inches long
6:45 am on June 9, 2015

Clementine Ada
(meaning merciful and gentle)
2lbs5oz 13.5 inches long
6:57 am on June 9, 2015

....oh, the story i have been dying to share since before these two were even conceived.

i've daydreamed about having boy/girl twins for the last two years...(yes. specifically b/g. i even named them,  Theo and Clementine. Alex had actually suggested Theodore back then and i looked up what it meant because i'm obsessed with names and i immediately felt in my soul that i would one day have a son named Theodore. Clementine was all my idea. i just love that it's old and very uncommon and a bit quirky and has such a sweet meaning. alex thought it was a bit too country sounding....but he eventually decided he liked it, especially after he chose her middle name of Ada. actually i should clarify that he liked Clementine - it was the nicknames of clem and clemmie that he wasn't a fan of.)
 ...dreamed of this day......

except in my dreams they were born a little closer to their due date and were a little pudgier and i got to hold them within seconds and nurse them within minutes and scarlett got to climb up on the hospital bed and snuggle with them and we got to take our first photo together as a family of 5 the same day and...we simply got to be a family together.

it happened a little differently tho. and as challenging and at times depressing the last month of pregnancy was (the bed rest to be exact - i still loved every moment of feeling and seeing them move inside me)....it was miraculous. something that i will never forget. weeks that i will forever be grateful for because they gave our babies the chance to grow in the safest place.
they thought i might have them at 24 weeks but we made it another 4.

of course that's easy to see and say now that i am free to walk around as much as i want and can go home in a couple days. but i am honestly thankful for this experience. it taught me to be thankful always.....there really is always something to be thankful for. and to not take the "boring" days at home for granted. and as cheesy as this sounds.....to really make the most of each day i'm given. 

seriously. sitting in a hospital bed for 4 weeks can really put things in perspective. 

i fought hard for this pregnancy. and then i fought hard for these babies. and i should be saying we because my husband fought just as hard. but this is my blog so.......

and now they're here. 

a couple times this week i was told by two different mfm doctors that they thought i would make it to 34 weeks.

the last time being yesterday.

of course it was exciting to hear. as hard as it was to think of being away from the other half of my family for that long i was day dreaming about how wonderful it would be to bring them into this world healthy with a limited nicu stay.

but i had a gut feeling that wasn't gonna happen. 

i just had a feeling they were gonna come this week or next. 

maybe it was because i'm afraid to get my hopes up. or maybe because this

same doctor told me months ago i would be fine and make it full term no problem.

and that clearly wasn't happening.

regardless. i had a feeling.

and i prayed a lot about it. really giving up control, not that i really had any anyway...

trusting that everything would work out for the best. 

because really i was feeling so torn between scarlett and t + c.

i ached so much to go home to scarlett and alex but then i desperately wanted the twins to 

stay safe and grow.

so i cried to Jesus.

and i think that's why when at 4 am this morning {at 27 weeks and 6 days pregnant after exactly 4 weeks on hospital bed rest}...

i didn't panic when i realized i was in active labor.

i didn't even cry. (yet.)

 it actually started earlier, probably around 230/3 am.

i was tossing and turning in bed because i was uncomfortable.

in my half asleep state i thought it was just from laying on my side too long.

hence why i tossed and turned, thinking it would help. but around 4 i actually woke up to pee and was feeling very crampy and it would get worse every few minutes.
 it felt like it did a few hours before scarlett was born. 

but i still wasn't sure. i didn't really wanna be sure i guess.

i at least thought they could possibly stop it.
ok honestly....i was hesitant to call the nurse because i didn't want to bother her if it ended up not being anything.
maybe there was a bit of denial happening.....

so i brushed my teeth and took a super quick shower.

in the shower i realized i should have shaved yesterday like i planned because i haven't touched a razor in over a month. 

not totally true, i shaved under my arms a couple times. boom.

but fuck it.

after my shower i got back in bed and called my nurse.

i told her with lots of nervous smiles that "it's probably nothing but..."

{i have a problem with feeling like i'm always bothering and inconveniencing people....even people that are payed and insist on helping me}

she smiled and said she'd put me on the monitor and see what's goin on.

she stood there for a few minutes making sure what she saw correlated with what i was feeling.

contractions were 2 minutes apart.

after the third one she called the resident on call.

i don't remember her name but she was very soft spoken and kind.

she checked me and said she couldn't feel my cervix but she could feel theo's head.

they started me on fluids, with the maybe hope that that would slow them down. 

it didn't.

at about 530/545 they brought me to L&D where they started me on magnesium to help the babies neural development/prevent brain bleeds.

that stuff makes my throat burn and my face flush. 

but that was the last thing on my mind.

theeen a different resident came into talk to and check me. 

i don't remember what she said...but i do remember she sounded much more serious than the last one.

she checked me, less gently, and said i was fully dilated....

actually that i was probably a plus two....i thiiiiink plus 3 means baby is crowning? 

they had called dr parilla, the MFM on that morning who had told me the morning before i would make it to 34 hahahaaaaa.

i think it was right before this happened, at a few minutes before 6am that i called alex.

i waited until then to call because i didn;t know what was gonna happen.

i'd been sent to L&D before and ended up being nothing urgent so i wanted to wait until i knew for sure

so i didn't wake him up or worry him for no good reason.

he answered half asleep with a "are you ok?"

i will let him add in what he thought of the rest of that conversation later ;)

essentially i told him the babies were gonna be born today but i didn't know when.

after that is when a nurse came in to say that they were moving me to the operating room (which is the standard delivery place for twins in a hospital).

i got there....i've been in a few ORs so that part wasn't scary to me.

the anesthesiologist was super nice....i find that they always are.

my nurses were awesome.

particularly, amy who held my hand the whole time.

very shortly after we got in the room they had me lay on the teeny tiny operating table  and turn to my side so they could put a spinal block in. 

that made me a little nervous. 

and that's when i realized i didn't have service on my phone so i asked a nurse to call alex

because i was worried i hadn't sounded urgent enough when i talked to him and wanted to make sure he was on his way.

he was on his way but had to drop off scarlett still....this was only like 20 minutes after i had talked to him, so he left pretty quickly after we got off the phone. 

the spinal block didn't hurt going in - for that i was grateful.

as he was putting it in tho i had a longer and more painful contraction than i had had previously.

but in the middle of it he released a bit of the pain numbing goodness.

it was such a relief.

he didn't give me much, just enough to take the edge off and so that if a c section ended up being needed they already had a bit of a start so that i could be awake for it.

i much preferred to do it that way then have to be put under.

my legs got all warm and tingly and i kinna loved it.

i was never not able to move my legs...i could have gotten up and walked if i wanted to.

but it took the edge off and with my nerves going crazy and alex not being there it was honestly a good thing for me.

(also i just wanna say i get why women choose to have an epidural....and i even get the draw for an elective c section. *not* saying i would ever choose one but i see the draw. this whole experience has given me another perspective and i get it now. i'm sorry for ever judging. that could be a post of it's own tho.)

i layed on my side for a few minutes until dr parilla came in

with her loud personality, she's hilarious. and then she told me she jinxed me the day before.

they had me move to my back and put my legs in the stirrups....
(ew)
at this point you'd think i would have known that i was about to give birth in the next 5 minutes but noooo....

i asked amy if we could wait for alex. i was laughing when i asked but i was dead serious on the inside. and she looked so uncomfortable "ummm welll..."

about 5 seconds later they were telling me to push with the next contraction.

whaaaaat? 

it all just happened so fast.

and with 2 pushes baby theo was out.

he didn't cry and they put him in his little bed right away with his NICU team.

that's when i started crying. or maybe it was before that. 

i don't remember. but there were fresh tears.

my baby was here, so much earlier than he should be and i couldn't see him, i couldn't hold him. i couldn't comfort him.

***continued on june 14***

baby clementine was laying transverse, like she had been the entire pregnancy.
dr parilla and my favorite resident, chrissy, spent the next 12 minutes looking with their hands for her feet to pull her out.
i could feel a lot of pressure which made me glad i couldn't feel much pain.
she was really high up and i just kept wishing the dr had longer arms.
but chrissy finally got a hold of her feet and at
 6:57 am our darling clementine was born.
she didn't cry either but dr parilla (who is very loud) said happily multiple times
that her eyes were open.
i saw a glimpse of her as they carried her to her bed....she looked limp and very dark red.
as i was delivering the placenta they rolled theo next to my bed so i could see him before they brought him down to the nicu.
i just wanted to touch him.
a nurse took my phone and took a couple pictures of him before they brought him downstairs.

they brought me into recovery before they were done with clemmie so i didn't get to see her.

i bled pretty heavily for the next hour
but i felt fine and it quickly slowed down after that.
i pumped for the first time less than an hour after theo was born.
and then alex got there about 7:30.
i'm still so sad he wasn't there for their birth.
i wish i would have called him at 4am.
but he was here now and we could feel all the feelings together.

my mom got there shortly after that.
and then alex went down to meet and check on our babies.

alex showing me pictures he took of them - i still hadn't seen clemmie yet.

less than two hours in recovery they brought me back to my room..
after i pumped again alex and i went down to the nicu.
and there i met my second daughter face to face for the first time and my sweet son for the second.

the entrance to the nicu

i may not have gotten the birth experience of my dreams but considering the circumstances leading up
to it....i'm pretty damn happy.
i guess it's all about perspective and priorities.
i would take all the drugs and surgeries over having my babies in the nicu for 3 months.

i was incredibly relieved to not have a c section.
i was told later by my care manager that she was so glad it was dr parilla who delivered
because she said that if it had been this doctor or that with clementine being transverse they would have immediately done a section.
i am very, very thankful.


**the nicknames clem and clemmie have grown on alex now that she's here. tho she is very rarely called clem. i knew he would end up loving her name once she was here ;)**