i rarely blog. obviously.

so times like now when i have the time and this deep desire to share my heart...
i don't know what to write about.
do i write about my recent parenting challenges..my issues with God and religion...my marriage...my deep desire to help the world see children as the valuable people they are...my infertility?

right now i'm sad.
and i find that's when i want to write the most.
when i am feeling those big emotions.
and i have been feeling so sad these last weeks.

so infertility for the win.

plus it's probably time for a little update anyway :)


it has been over 6 months since my last IVF cycle ended and we've been "on break".

and in this six months i made it to feeling content with the idea of not having anymore biological children.

{you can read a little about my first cycle here - i don't remember writing about the second one. i'm awesome at blogging.}

i was genuinely ok with it. not that i believed it was impossible.. i just think it was easier for me to let that hope go away. to essentially choose to believe that it was in fact impossible for me to get pregnant.
that that was never going to happen to me again.
i got so excited about adopting and/or using a donor.
it was good for me over all because it didn't hurt as bad and i was able to have a somewhat relaxing
{at least in that aspect} few months.

if it had only been up to me i think i would have moved forward with adoption, fostering or a donor already.
but i happen to have a wonderful man who is just a little bit apart of this decision ;)
and it is really important to him to try IVF again before anything else.
and honestly i'm really glad for that.

so about a month ago we finally met with a new REI specialist (Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility). 
{because our last doctor was the worst. by the worst i mean he was not the worst but he was not good.}

so we met with Dr Miller and it was love at first consult!
he is kind and personable and has given us a renewed hope.
which i guess if i end up not getting pregnant i may be angry about..
but really. hope is good. and right now i am {mostly} grateful for it.

i've had to do more blood tests and ultrasounds and have more scheduled.
my last ultrasound was really fun. the dr got to shine a bright light into my vagina while he poked at it.
but whatever. i'm used to it by now.

still waiting for some results. at least the important ones.

but starting this process again  has brought a lot...probably all...yes all of my feelings ever... to the surface.
for the last few weeks everytime i see twins i get tears in my eyes. when i had to go thru some of Scar's baby stuff - tears.
which i will not be doing again anytime soon fyi.
i was at a garage sale the other day and they had a ridiculous amount of baby clothes and i found out this women's daughter had triplets via IVF and when i told her i was currently going through that as well she looked at me so compassionately like she knew exactly what i was going through and just said
 "it's hard, isn't it?" and that's all it took for more tears. tears that had to be stopped immediately because there was no way i was gonna start balling in front of complete strangers. i've done that too many times.
but actually the tears started as soon as i heard the word "triplets". i guess multiples make me cry because of how badly i want twin...s and the fact that if you have triplets it's likely they came from fertility issues and of course that touches my heart like nothing else does.
oh and recently scarlett and i were having such a fun day out shopping and while we were at trader joes i saw a pregnant woman with two other littles with her... and yes. there were more tears.
don't worry, i didn't let it ruin my time with scarlett.
but it kind of ruined trader joes.
just kidding.
kind of.
no. i totally love trader joes.

 but i have been feeling semi depressed.
which doesn't make sense, does it?
i finally feel hopeful again but with that comes an immense amount of fear and anxiety and sadness.
i don't know exactly why. but that is why i let myself give up hope months ago. to protect myself.
i guess i'm afraid of being disappointed....
and by disappointed i mean
i'm afraid of having my heart ripped from my chest.
i'm kind of scared to even get pregnant now. because if i miscarry....

....i don't know if i could take that.

i know worrying doesn't make things better - i'm not one to worry about things i can't control.
except for this.
maybe because i feel like i can control it to a point?
i'm scared if i get pregnant i will be so anxious about being anxious because i don't wanna be anxious because that could hurt my baby.

does that make sense?

i'm just sad. and i feel guilty about that.
i have a beautiful, incredible, passionate daughter.
and sometimes i feel like i'm being ungrateful because i want more babies.
but scarlett is so awesome - how could i not want more?




ok. it's game of thrones time.

thanks for reading, you lovely people, you.