*sigh*
where to start....?

Well as some of you know, I started my first IVF cycle about 7 months ago.
You can read about what brought us to that here if interested.

I have had no desire to broadcast my infertility on Facebook but it has been so helpful to me to have close friends and family to talk things out with... or to simply vent to.

But now things have changed and I'm ready to talk publicly about it.
(yes, I can be a bit dramatic)

I imagine it will be somewhat thereputic for me...writing has always been that way for me.
I'm trying to move past the insecurities I have in my writing...trying to not worry about what you're thinking and just write.

And maybe, just maybe my experience with infertility will help someone else that is going thru something similar.
For me, simply hearing someone else's story and knowing I'm not alone is so encouraging.

Moving on.

I went into surgery last April thinking I was having another cyst on my ovary removed and woke up to hearing the nurses talking about how my Dr. had removed both my tubes. After that
I was told over and over again over the next month by doctors that I should be able to get pregnant very easily via IVF. I was upset that I lost my tubes and could no longer conceive naturally but after I made sure my insurance covered IVF I got pretty excited...I thought I would definitely be pregnant within a few months -- yay!

So I started my first cycle in May.

Lots of drugs.

Lots of needles.

It wasn't a terrible experience.

After needing Alex to give me the first two shots I got the nerve to do it myself
and then soon became a pro! Tho each time I had to start a new medication I got pretty anxious.
I was so nervous about not doing every thing absolutely perfect. And my doctor's office was not really on top of making sure I knew what to do. My dear nurse who is so sweet but spent only about 10 rushed minutes going thru all my meds with me at the very beginning of my cycle. So I went by the booklet that the pharmacy sent and some YouTube. But over all it was fine and pretty simple - I was just nervous. I wasn't nearly as emotional as I expected to be from all the hormones. Alex was also happy about that :)

So it wasn't a terrible experience until that almost two week wait after my transfer to find out if I was pregnant.

Waiting is the worst.

I had to take progesterone every day, which basically tricked my body into thinking I was pregnant.
I was a mess.
Anxious, not sleeping, crying, convinced I was pregnant because I had heartburn and the only other time I've ever had heartburn in my entire life was when I was newly pregnant with Scarlett.
So I was extremely hopeful I was pregnant.
And after they transferred the two embryos into me they took an ultrasound picture and put a heart around the two babies and gave it to us. I looked at that everyday. Praying for my "twins".

My blood test was schedule for two weeks after the transfer.

But after just one week I got my period....
I have never hated my body more. My heart completely dropped. I curled up on the couch and cried until Alex came inside from mowing the lawn.

And then I cried some more.

I think Alex was shocked. He had been more sure than me that I would get pregnant.

After more tears Alex insisted we call the nurse...maybe she would tell us it was normal to have some bleeding...maybe it was implantation. Maybe....?
Poor girl. She tried to sound positive but I could tell she wasn't.
She told me to keep taking the progesterone just in case.

Less than a week later I went in for my blood test. 

Needless to say, it was negative.

But at least we knew for sure. No more wondering and hoping. And in the midst of the slight

depression I felt I knew a lot of people don't get pregnant their first IVF cycle. This wasn't abnormal. Tho I did sometimes feel angry towards the doctors for being so confident that it would work right away - therefore building my confidence that it would work right away. But I think I just wanted someone to blame besides myself.

I remember feeling weepy all the time but also confident. I knew God was working out good in our awful situation. 

I know I was never pregnant....I know implantation never occurred. 

But I feel like I lost them. 

Those two sweet babes.

I did lose them, damnit.

It's strange and complicated and I don't understand it....

but my heart hurts. 

Two weeks later we go in to talk to Dr Karande about the cycle and our next step...I assumed he would just give us the go ahead to start a second cycle.
Which he did. But not until after he told us he doesn't think I will ever be able to get pregnant with "eggs like these".
Which took Alex and I totally off guard and put me in instant tears.
We were not expecting that. But my endometriosis is so bad that it's destroying all my eggs.

We left his office pretty distraught. But the nurses had been more hopeful about the possibility of pregnancy and encouraged us to not give up yet.

We eventually decided to start a second cycle -- that was a couple months ago.
It was harder for me than the first time. Probably because I knew the chances were so low.
This time we didn't even make it to retrieval because my estrogen levels were too high to result in pregnancy. So they refused to do it.

When the nurse called to tell me that I cried...no surprise. And told her just to cancel the retrieval then because we couldn't afford to freeze the eggs. But I wanted to talk to Alex first so she said I could call her later to confirm our decision.

Alex was in meetings tho.

I prayed and prayed.

And in my heart I felt like we should just go through with it.
We were already praying for a miracle...Would a little extra estrogen make a difference in that miracle? I don't believe so. While I prayed, this verse in (is it 1st or 2nd?) Corinthians kept coming to mind,

 "My strength in made perfect in weakness."

I felt such peace and hope. I still do. But at that time I felt hopeful that I would be pregnant in the next couple weeks.

I talked to the nurse again and told her I changed my mind - we wanted to go forward with the retrieval even if the odds were against us.
So the next day we went to the office and apparently there was a misunderstanding because I was under the impression we were going forward as normal and the nurse had thought we were going to freeze the eggs. But once the Dr. understood where we were coming from she (gently) refused to do the retrieval.
So once again I left that office in tears.

We're now taking a break....a much needed break. After the holidays we'll talk more about our options and what our next step is. Adoption? Fostering to adopt? Donor eggs? ...IVF?
Tho I can tell you now it won't be IVF...unless God changes something in me drastically, I don't have the strength to do it again right now.
eventually....down the road....but not now.

I probably don't have to say this but the last 8...especially the last 6 have been the most emotionally exhausting of my life. I'm so tired. All I've wanted is to be a mom. And I'm so grateful I am. But I've always imagined a home full of kids...it's character and strength building when things don't go the way you planned :)...a nice way of saying it's shitty.

But at the same time I am more grateful for my little family than I ever thought possible... and for our over all health.
I know there are families going through so much worse and I can't and don't want to imagine how hard that is.
I'm grateful for our health and everyday God gives us.

I used to think that meant I had no right to be sad. But I was wrong.

It's ok to let myself feel.

It's ok to wanna cry when I find out someone else is pregnant.

It's ok to feel angry when a woman complains about her pregnancy.

It's ok to not want to talk about babies with your pregnant friends.

It's ok.


{to all my beautiful pregnant friends out there, I love you and this is not personal. I am genuinely happy for you. I promise. I am just also sad for me. I'm sorry if that sounds self centered. Maybe it is. I don't know.}


While writing this I started crying and Scarlett comes over to me and gently strokes my face and quietly says, "It be ok mama. I help you feel better. it be ok."
I can't stay sad for too long with this sweet girl. I am truly thankful for her and Alex.

Thanks for reading, friends.