26 weeks

How far along?/UPDATE: 26 weeks! so so happy to have made it to this week.

early friday morning i was woken up for vitals. i sat up to get my blood pressure taken and i felt a big gush....i knew one of their bags had broken. and i think i just said "shit." and then started crying. and then said shit a few more times. and the "Jesus help them" and then fuck. the tech got my nurse and a bunch of them rushed in to get me on the monitor to see if i was contracting but before they did the dr came in and said to move me to L&D. i was in panic mode.....i really thought that once your water broke that was it,  baby(ies) were coming within 24 hours. so i was scared. i called alex and he didn't answer...still sleeping. once i got to L&D my favorite resident came in very comforting, minus the checking my cervix part which hurt like a mofo, i was so tense already. but she couldn't even feel it, which was a good sign. they continuously monitored me. and monitored the babies every four hours. i had some really great L&D nurses...one in particular, Bonnie really advocated for me and my comfort. alex got there mid morning and stayed the day. it was nerve wracking, glad we were together. that night sucked and i barely slept. but i was still stable so alex and scarlett came back on saturday. that afternoon my awesome nurse got them to move me back to the perinatal floor....i got a bigger room than i had before with a futon this time. i was so happy to be back here....it felt like going home in a sense. so far so good. everything is the same as it was before friday. just watching for infection now. still not in labor! 

Weight gain: i haven't gained anything since i've been here (2 weeks)...in fact i may have lost a pound. the hospital dietitian actually came to my room to ask me if i felt like i was eating enough. it was awkward. at that point i was eating a TON. tho not so much the last couple days. kinna lost my appetite. so i'm still at about 160.

Sleep: i sleep well when they let me sleep :) when i got back here on saturday they wanted to monitor babies every 8 hours. which meant i had a late night session and for a few nights was up until 1-2am.
but they just changed that yesterday! so now my last session is around 6pm - boom.

Symptoms: heartburn occasionally.

Favorite moment this week: getting to be close to alex and scarlett on monday. i love them.

Hardest moment this week: see water breaking story above :) and include the next 4 days.

on monday alex and scarlett came to visit. they got here in the morning during my first NST. but we had already gotten a solid 20 minutes of babies, which is all they need. so when they got here i called the nurse to come in so she could get me off the monitors. it took her a while, had to call the resident. so i moved a bit to say hi to my loves and that moved the monitors / babies so they wanted to get ANOTHER 20 minutes of the babies. which is not 20 minutes...it's at least an hour but usually more because they spend so much time looking for them and then they move constantly. so long story short it turned into me getting super anxious, losing my cool, telling them i was going to take the monitors off myself, refusing anymore right now.  (i asked to talk to the dr who at the time i felt like was telling me if i refuse to be monitored my babies could die - which afterwards i realize is not really what she was saying but i was a hot mess). i have such limited time with alex and scarlett i didn't want it wasted strapped to the bed, with multiple people in the room hovered over me so i could barely even have a conversation with them. and in my gut i knew the babies were fine. there has never been any reason to worry about them. after i started crying and let go of some of the feelings that had been building up over the last few days i agreed to let them finish the session....and it went pretty quick. i think the doc ended it a little early. thankfully i have a lot of incredibly empathetic nurses (and doctors) that made me feel less crazy and i was so glad for my husbands support....that he was there while i had my first meltdown with the staff. :)
oh and on that note.....you probably shouldn't be a nurse if you don't have a crazy amount of empathy for people.very thankful for all my kind-hearted nurses and techs. they make this stay a whole lot easier. i've gotten some special treatment since then, too haha.  i kept apologizing to my nurse and dr for getting all testy and she said i should see how some of the other patients get...."at least you were nice". man, if she thought i was being nice then i wonder what other moms get like hahah....makes me feel less alone....wish i cold hang out with the other moms on bed rest here.
anyway. i've had an emotional week,,,,i thought i would be going home today. but now i'm here until the babies are here. and i'm honestly having a hard time with that right now. i want them in as long as possible.....but i want to go home so bad. i cry every single time i talk to alex now.....or sometimes i can hold off until i hang up. my heart breaks thinking about scarlett. i'm extra sensitive about everything. what are the stages of grief? i've been in the depressed stage. but now it's moving into a mix of depression and anger. i feel a little angry that this is happening. no doubt i sound like an ungrateful soul. i hate that. i want to feel only thankfulness for my situation. thankful that i get these babies even at the expense of missing out on what i imagined my last pregnancy to be, and missing out on this summer with scarlett. and then there's the whole NICU thing. they will be in the NICU because they will be here before 34 weeks. which means.....well. it means so many things that i never thought i would have to deal with personally. i won't get to hold or nurse them right away, scarlett won't get to meet them until they are released. those things probably seem so small to a lot of people.....but they're a big deal to me. and then of course the possibility (depending how soon/late they're born) of brain bleeds, cerebral palsy or deafness or blindness. of course those risks go down significantly every week. at this point survivability isn't even 100%. but it is very likely. and i don't think about whether they will live or die. i can't. but i really do believe they will be ok. i should just be happy, right? i'm so thankful for these babies...probably more so than i ever have been if that's possible. i love them more than anything. (well you know, along with my other kid and husband). i just want them to be healthy. and every week, every day gives them a better chance. i will do everything in my power to give them that.
.............but oh how i want to be home.

how many more stages of grief are there before acceptance? :)

Cravings: i had my frappuccino craving filled over the weekend!
it was delicious, made only better by my sweet friend who brought it!

otherwise, i crave anything not served at a hospital.
and today my sister visited (yay!) and she brought me the best tasting alfredo pasta i have ever had and a salad!

Miss anything? my darling family. and my little home. oh how i daydream about being home.

one reason i hate communicating how hard this is for me is because

i know how lucky i am. i am so so lucky. 

i could go on and on about people all over the world who are actually, truly suffering.

and friends who are fighting for their children's lives - unsure if they will ever be ok.

moms who are dying of cancer.

moms who went into preterm labor at 18 weeks and had no hope of saving their baby. 

women that can't get pregnant at all who would literally do anything to be in my situation.

ugh. 

my situation is disappointing and really hard sometimes but it's most likely going to 

have a happy ending. (please God!)

please know that i know this. 

i'm lucky.

and i don't mean to complain. 

but i'm a big feeling person.

i feel deeply and show those feelings.

i'm not so good at keeping them to myself most of the time. 

and this is hard.

but overall i am just so excited to meet my babies in the right time! 

i can't wait to get to know them!

26 weeks. miss scarlett and our white wall and chalkboard.