*sigh*
where to start....?

Well as some of you know, I started my first IVF cycle about 7 months ago.
You can read about what brought us to that here if interested.

I have had no desire to broadcast my infertility on Facebook but it has been so helpful to me to have close friends and family to talk things out with... or to simply vent to.

But now things have changed and I'm ready to talk publicly about it.
(yes, I can be a bit dramatic)

I imagine it will be somewhat thereputic for me...writing has always been that way for me.
I'm trying to move past the insecurities I have in my writing...trying to not worry about what you're thinking and just write.

And maybe, just maybe my experience with infertility will help someone else that is going thru something similar.
For me, simply hearing someone else's story and knowing I'm not alone is so encouraging.

Moving on.

I went into surgery last April thinking I was having another cyst on my ovary removed and woke up to hearing the nurses talking about how my Dr. had removed both my tubes. After that
I was told over and over again over the next month by doctors that I should be able to get pregnant very easily via IVF. I was upset that I lost my tubes and could no longer conceive naturally but after I made sure my insurance covered IVF I got pretty excited...I thought I would definitely be pregnant within a few months -- yay!

So I started my first cycle in May.

Lots of drugs.

Lots of needles.

It wasn't a terrible experience.

After needing Alex to give me the first two shots I got the nerve to do it myself
and then soon became a pro! Tho each time I had to start a new medication I got pretty anxious.
I was so nervous about not doing every thing absolutely perfect. And my doctor's office was not really on top of making sure I knew what to do. My dear nurse who is so sweet but spent only about 10 rushed minutes going thru all my meds with me at the very beginning of my cycle. So I went by the booklet that the pharmacy sent and some YouTube. But over all it was fine and pretty simple - I was just nervous. I wasn't nearly as emotional as I expected to be from all the hormones. Alex was also happy about that :)

So it wasn't a terrible experience until that almost two week wait after my transfer to find out if I was pregnant.

Waiting is the worst.

I had to take progesterone every day, which basically tricked my body into thinking I was pregnant.
I was a mess.
Anxious, not sleeping, crying, convinced I was pregnant because I had heartburn and the only other time I've ever had heartburn in my entire life was when I was newly pregnant with Scarlett.
So I was extremely hopeful I was pregnant.
And after they transferred the two embryos into me they took an ultrasound picture and put a heart around the two babies and gave it to us. I looked at that everyday. Praying for my "twins".

My blood test was schedule for two weeks after the transfer.

But after just one week I got my period....
I have never hated my body more. My heart completely dropped. I curled up on the couch and cried until Alex came inside from mowing the lawn.

And then I cried some more.

I think Alex was shocked. He had been more sure than me that I would get pregnant.

After more tears Alex insisted we call the nurse...maybe she would tell us it was normal to have some bleeding...maybe it was implantation. Maybe....?
Poor girl. She tried to sound positive but I could tell she wasn't.
She told me to keep taking the progesterone just in case.

Less than a week later I went in for my blood test. 

Needless to say, it was negative.

But at least we knew for sure. No more wondering and hoping. And in the midst of the slight

depression I felt I knew a lot of people don't get pregnant their first IVF cycle. This wasn't abnormal. Tho I did sometimes feel angry towards the doctors for being so confident that it would work right away - therefore building my confidence that it would work right away. But I think I just wanted someone to blame besides myself.

I remember feeling weepy all the time but also confident. I knew God was working out good in our awful situation. 

I know I was never pregnant....I know implantation never occurred. 

But I feel like I lost them. 

Those two sweet babes.

I did lose them, damnit.

It's strange and complicated and I don't understand it....

but my heart hurts. 

Two weeks later we go in to talk to Dr Karande about the cycle and our next step...I assumed he would just give us the go ahead to start a second cycle.
Which he did. But not until after he told us he doesn't think I will ever be able to get pregnant with "eggs like these".
Which took Alex and I totally off guard and put me in instant tears.
We were not expecting that. But my endometriosis is so bad that it's destroying all my eggs.

We left his office pretty distraught. But the nurses had been more hopeful about the possibility of pregnancy and encouraged us to not give up yet.

We eventually decided to start a second cycle -- that was a couple months ago.
It was harder for me than the first time. Probably because I knew the chances were so low.
This time we didn't even make it to retrieval because my estrogen levels were too high to result in pregnancy. So they refused to do it.

When the nurse called to tell me that I cried...no surprise. And told her just to cancel the retrieval then because we couldn't afford to freeze the eggs. But I wanted to talk to Alex first so she said I could call her later to confirm our decision.

Alex was in meetings tho.

I prayed and prayed.

And in my heart I felt like we should just go through with it.
We were already praying for a miracle...Would a little extra estrogen make a difference in that miracle? I don't believe so. While I prayed, this verse in (is it 1st or 2nd?) Corinthians kept coming to mind,

 "My strength in made perfect in weakness."

I felt such peace and hope. I still do. But at that time I felt hopeful that I would be pregnant in the next couple weeks.

I talked to the nurse again and told her I changed my mind - we wanted to go forward with the retrieval even if the odds were against us.
So the next day we went to the office and apparently there was a misunderstanding because I was under the impression we were going forward as normal and the nurse had thought we were going to freeze the eggs. But once the Dr. understood where we were coming from she (gently) refused to do the retrieval.
So once again I left that office in tears.

We're now taking a break....a much needed break. After the holidays we'll talk more about our options and what our next step is. Adoption? Fostering to adopt? Donor eggs? ...IVF?
Tho I can tell you now it won't be IVF...unless God changes something in me drastically, I don't have the strength to do it again right now.
eventually....down the road....but not now.

I probably don't have to say this but the last 8...especially the last 6 have been the most emotionally exhausting of my life. I'm so tired. All I've wanted is to be a mom. And I'm so grateful I am. But I've always imagined a home full of kids...it's character and strength building when things don't go the way you planned :)...a nice way of saying it's shitty.

But at the same time I am more grateful for my little family than I ever thought possible... and for our over all health.
I know there are families going through so much worse and I can't and don't want to imagine how hard that is.
I'm grateful for our health and everyday God gives us.

I used to think that meant I had no right to be sad. But I was wrong.

It's ok to let myself feel.

It's ok to wanna cry when I find out someone else is pregnant.

It's ok to feel angry when a woman complains about her pregnancy.

It's ok to not want to talk about babies with your pregnant friends.

It's ok.


{to all my beautiful pregnant friends out there, I love you and this is not personal. I am genuinely happy for you. I promise. I am just also sad for me. I'm sorry if that sounds self centered. Maybe it is. I don't know.}


While writing this I started crying and Scarlett comes over to me and gently strokes my face and quietly says, "It be ok mama. I help you feel better. it be ok."
I can't stay sad for too long with this sweet girl. I am truly thankful for her and Alex.

Thanks for reading, friends.

Dearest Scarlett :: you are two!

 

happy birthday my darling girl! 

i can't believe that you are TWO already.

it's true that time flies when you're having fun. 

people always ask me what my favorite age has been....

and I always tell them the same thing, 

"this one!"
it's true. we just keep having more and more fun and i love you more and more every single day.
how that's possible, i don't know.

you are wonderful in ever way, baby girl.
you are sweet.
you are funny.
you are loveable and loving.

you weigh 32 lbs and about 37 in tall.
off the charts for both!
you have been at around 30 lbs for a good 6 months.
you're also still wearing 3T clothes and some 4T.




to be continued ;)


{I never finished writing this in september lol. i'm not on top of it.}

"it's not working!"

 our little lady peed in the potty! 

                                it happened almost two weeks ago now....and she has used the potty everyday since then :) :) :) 

                                                      

i noticed that she was getting irritated with her diapers - always wanting it off or changed...saying "poopy diaper mama."  while trying to take it off. so I finally asked her if she wanted to check the potty out. 

she had been showing zero interest in it and i wasn't gonna push it. but as soon as she gave me a sign she might be ready, i asked!... and she quickly said "yeah!" 

so I took her diaper off and we went to her little potty that was sitting in our bathroom. 

she peed almost immediately!

 oh goodness was i excited! i could hardly believe it.

 we had decided a long time ago to follow her lead and not try to force it but she had been showing such little interest i found myself occasionally thinking "what if she never wants to use the potty?!" 

yep. she's not even two and i was starting to worry that my child would never learn to use the toilet. 

classic.

so when she was suddenly excited about trying the toilet and peed RIGHT AWAY, i was ecstatic. 

I think I even teared up. but that's not unusual for me these days. she's growing so fast. 

the next day she sat on the potty again and after just a few seconds of not peeing,

 she very concernedly looks down at her vagina and says, "not working mama...no working." 

oh it was so hard for me not to laugh. she is sweeter than words.

and then lo and behold it worked and she peed. 

which brought a giant grin from both of us. 

We don't give her any treats for going on the potty. 

it makes my heart so light to see how proud of herself she is

and we let her see that joy. 

she brings us so much joy -- no matter where she pees. 

i love that my life has brought me to this place that i am excited about someone peeing in the toilet :) 

surprise surgery

 

in april of last year i had a cyst that was twisting my left ovary and caused a ridiculous amount of pain.

it happened pretty suddenly.

i went into surgery just a few days after finding out what was happening because the pain was just so bad. worse than childbirth.

i had the option of having them cut me open and saving my ovary, but that would be much more painful and a longer recovery. or having laparoscopic surgery which meant my recovery would be much quicker but that would mean i would lose my ovary... but i was reassured that would not hinder my body's ability to get pregnant again.

so we opted for the latter. we didn't live by family and i had a 7 month old and i didn't need a long recovery.

but as i was getting prepped for surgery, i started second guessing that choice.

and as soon as i shared any doubt with alex he quickly agreed that we should try to save the ovary.

(you never know what the future holds)

so that's what was supposed to happen.

but a few hours later when i woke up i found out that they were not able to save it...it had twisted and lost blood flow.... and they also had to cut me open.

so i had the more painful, longer recovery and no ovary to show for it lol.

fun times.

aaaand now, almost a year later i'm having the same (or similar) surgery again.
but this time they should be able to save it!

a little under two months ago i noticed the same pain i had the first time around.
so i immediately saw my OB.
i really didn't want to take any chances with my last ovary.
i was hoping i was just crazy but sure enough, there was a small cyst.
she had me come back a few weeks later for a follow up ultrasound.

let me just say ultrasounds are not nearly as much fun when there is no baby to see haha.

 by the time i went back it was the size of a football.
gross.
so they sent me to an oncologist to make sure it wasn't cancer. and for a better chance of saving it.

waiting for that appt was a rough week.
because we had no idea how bad it possibly was.
i kept thinking of the worst case scenario.
as much as i have always, always wanted to adopt, the thought of not being able to have anymore kids biologically is pretty upsetting to me.


so finally the day came and it was mostly good news!
the dr was awesome, i love her and as long as there is no cancer she said should be able to save it!
my favorite part was when she told us that i needed to get pregnant right away.
:)
i'm fine with that.

the only not great news was that she seems to think it is likely that this will keep happening and that eventually they will have to just remove my ovary...
which is part of the reason she recommended getting pregnant quickly.


 so surgery is scheduled for tomorrow (friday) at 1pm.
  i'm excited to get it over with.
it's a pretty common operation but i'm still feeling a little nervous :/
but i'm sure it will go smoothly!

asking for prayers for me, alex and scarlett!

i'm mostly concerned about how scar is going to do because she has had a very rough week already.
she's got a cold and (we think) molars coming in.
she has been pretty unhappy and not sleeping well at all :(
so i'm afraid that that is going to make it extra hard for her to go without nursing for the 3 + days
i will be gone.
pray that both her and alex get some sleep this weekend!

Scarlett :: 18 Months

 little miss turned 18 months today.
she is as beautiful and sweet as ever.

she is full of passion and laughter, smiles and kisses.

scarlett loves books and balls.
playing "catch" is a favorite.
also watching barney and number land!
she loves babies...and everytime we see one when we're out she points and follows saying "bebe, bebe"
over and over again.
and according to her all little kids are babies.
she also loves teddy bears.
and has quite the collection already.

it's funny because i had a couple different stuffed animals that i love and had kinna picked
to be her "lovies"...
but alas, she is her own person and picked her own.
which is an old purple teddy bear beanie baby that used to belong to my brother, luke, until she wouldn't let it go and he gave it to her :)

she loves to sing 'the fire truck song'
and 'if you're happy and you know it',
she just really loves to clap.
and she recently started putting her arms in the air and saying 'hooway'.
ahh she could not be any cuter.




{sadly i haven't gotten a chance to get her 18 month pictures yet but i will get them up soon.}

...

so my weekly photo idea clearly has not panned out.

good try amy good try. lol.

as much as i would love to blog consistently i think i have to accept that it's just not happening right now. maybe if i stop putting those expectations on myself it'll just happen.

but i do wanna talk right now.

for those that don't know, my little family and i moved in with alex's mom right after christmas.

we moved from my parents' where we had lived since alex graduated in may.

before this, in october we planned and did in fact start our house hunt.

we were veeeery excited to buy a house.

but after a weekend of looking and realizing our financial state we decided to put the house buying on hold.

it was hard but definitely the smart decision. we didn't want to go into home ownership with little to no savings.

so we decided to move in with april and claire where we have more of our own space and privacy.

we are working on paying off as much debt and also saving as much money as we can while we're here.

i like to spend money (ha) but i'm excited for this challenge!

something that we just started doing to keep us on track with our grocery budget is adding everything up as we put it in the cart.

it (mostly) works!

i'm amazed at the stuff i usually buy that we don't really need.

next time i might just bring cash and leave my card at home so i have no choice but to stay within budget.

but i might be too scared to do that lol.

i have also been cooking consistently since moving in here!

for me, this is no small feat.

i have always loved baking but until now i have not enjoyed cooking.

while we lived with my parents my brother cooked a lot.

and he's amazing. seriously whoever marries him is one lucky girl.

and honestly up until the last couple months scarlett was still mostly breastfeeding so

i just majorly slacked off on preparing food.

BUT now, even tho we still live with family, because of their schedules, most of the time i have the kitchen to myself.

tho making room in the refrigerator for everyone's stuff has been challenging. but we're dealing with it ok.

as a lot of you know eating whole (un processed), organic foods is really important to me.

which means i've had to suck up my dislike of cooking haha.

this is something that has always been important to me from a relatively young age...

but for a long time i also felt so overwhelmed.

i didn't know where to start. i felt like i had to do all or nothing.

and because i couldn't do it all meant i did nothing.

honestly that is probably why until recently i barely cooked.

but thank God i am outta that rut!

starting one thing at a time and making that habit proved to be very helpful to me.

simply becoming aware of the ingredients made such a difference for me.

for example, in one loaf of bread, even the "healthy" kind there are like 30 or 40 different ingredients, half of them unpronounceable and you certainly wouldn't find most of them in your kitchen. ew.

so we now pretty much only buy things that have about 5 or so whole ingredients.

we haven't cut out all our favorite junk food snacks yet.

that will be hard. but we're making progress.

 i have to say that the more informed i have become on the power of what we put into (and not only into but onto) our bodies the more excited i get about whole foods!

i have actually enjoyed cooking recently and i think when i eventually have my very own kitchen i will enjoy it even more :)

week 1

scarlett tried straightening her hair for the first time this week.
{don't worry, it clearly wasn't on when she got it}
she has been imitating everything. wanting to do everything mommy does.
so stinkin sweet is this girl of mine.

i decided i'm going to definitely post a picture of alex and i every week because
since having scarlett photos of just the two of us have not been as plentiful
so i thought it would be fun.
so here's us last night.
me, super excited about taking pictures haha
and alex completely exhausted after a stressful week at work
but taking pictures with me anyway :)