before and after // sunroom

this is one of my most favorite rooms in our little home.

this house was built in the 1930s but this room wasn't added on until the 70s i believe. 

and i am soooo glad they added it!

it's beautiful and the extra space for a large table is a total plus.

at least it's real wood. 

the carpet was nasty - cat peeee!

this room seemed never ending. my sister helped a ton with this room!
which was so nice because i hated working on this room. (except when with her of course :)
the windows still need some touch ups and i ran out of pain before i put a (needed) second coat on the door.
at this point i doubt i'll ever do that lol.

tada. i just snapped these earlier this afternoon...thankfully it was mostly clean!
so this is facing the front of the house.
i would like to know why they put the door in the front and not the back..?
a back door would have been nice. :)

this room was the most work which is probably why i was so frustrated by the end.
the windows seemed to need about a dozen coats of paint. the walls about 3...alex put new floors in, including new trim
which are amazing! painted the ceiling...added a light.
but for as tight as our budget was i am so so so happy with how this room is turning out!
{this table belonged to my gramma and grandpapa before they passed. a lot of memories had and more to be made.}




i absolutely adore my little home.

i rarely blog. obviously.

so times like now when i have the time and this deep desire to share my heart...
i don't know what to write about.
do i write about my recent parenting challenges..my issues with God and religion...my marriage...my deep desire to help the world see children as the valuable people they are...my infertility?

right now i'm sad.
and i find that's when i want to write the most.
when i am feeling those big emotions.
and i have been feeling so sad these last weeks.

so infertility for the win.

plus it's probably time for a little update anyway :)


it has been over 6 months since my last IVF cycle ended and we've been "on break".

and in this six months i made it to feeling content with the idea of not having anymore biological children.

{you can read a little about my first cycle here - i don't remember writing about the second one. i'm awesome at blogging.}

i was genuinely ok with it. not that i believed it was impossible.. i just think it was easier for me to let that hope go away. to essentially choose to believe that it was in fact impossible for me to get pregnant.
that that was never going to happen to me again.
i got so excited about adopting and/or using a donor.
it was good for me over all because it didn't hurt as bad and i was able to have a somewhat relaxing
{at least in that aspect} few months.

if it had only been up to me i think i would have moved forward with adoption, fostering or a donor already.
but i happen to have a wonderful man who is just a little bit apart of this decision ;)
and it is really important to him to try IVF again before anything else.
and honestly i'm really glad for that.

so about a month ago we finally met with a new REI specialist (Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility). 
{because our last doctor was the worst. by the worst i mean he was not the worst but he was not good.}

so we met with Dr Miller and it was love at first consult!
he is kind and personable and has given us a renewed hope.
which i guess if i end up not getting pregnant i may be angry about..
but really. hope is good. and right now i am {mostly} grateful for it.

i've had to do more blood tests and ultrasounds and have more scheduled.
my last ultrasound was really fun. the dr got to shine a bright light into my vagina while he poked at it.
but whatever. i'm used to it by now.

still waiting for some results. at least the important ones.

but starting this process again  has brought a lot...probably all...yes all of my feelings ever... to the surface.
for the last few weeks everytime i see twins i get tears in my eyes. when i had to go thru some of Scar's baby stuff - tears.
which i will not be doing again anytime soon fyi.
i was at a garage sale the other day and they had a ridiculous amount of baby clothes and i found out this women's daughter had triplets via IVF and when i told her i was currently going through that as well she looked at me so compassionately like she knew exactly what i was going through and just said
 "it's hard, isn't it?" and that's all it took for more tears. tears that had to be stopped immediately because there was no way i was gonna start balling in front of complete strangers. i've done that too many times.
but actually the tears started as soon as i heard the word "triplets". i guess multiples make me cry because of how badly i want twin...s and the fact that if you have triplets it's likely they came from fertility issues and of course that touches my heart like nothing else does.
oh and recently scarlett and i were having such a fun day out shopping and while we were at trader joes i saw a pregnant woman with two other littles with her... and yes. there were more tears.
don't worry, i didn't let it ruin my time with scarlett.
but it kind of ruined trader joes.
just kidding.
kind of.
no. i totally love trader joes.

 but i have been feeling semi depressed.
which doesn't make sense, does it?
i finally feel hopeful again but with that comes an immense amount of fear and anxiety and sadness.
i don't know exactly why. but that is why i let myself give up hope months ago. to protect myself.
i guess i'm afraid of being disappointed....
and by disappointed i mean
i'm afraid of having my heart ripped from my chest.
i'm kind of scared to even get pregnant now. because if i miscarry....

....i don't know if i could take that.

i know worrying doesn't make things better - i'm not one to worry about things i can't control.
except for this.
maybe because i feel like i can control it to a point?
i'm scared if i get pregnant i will be so anxious about being anxious because i don't wanna be anxious because that could hurt my baby.

does that make sense?

i'm just sad. and i feel guilty about that.
i have a beautiful, incredible, passionate daughter.
and sometimes i feel like i'm being ungrateful because i want more babies.
but scarlett is so awesome - how could i not want more?




ok. it's game of thrones time.

thanks for reading, you lovely people, you.

Paleo "Oatmeal"

we have been eating a paleo-ish diet since the beginning of the month.

i say ish because i am learning that everyone has their own version of this diet.

as they should.

actually when i realized months ago that to heal my endometriosis and gut issues 

i should start by eliminating gluten and most dairy i didn't realize that was a big part of the paleo diet.

but let me say, i am soo grateful it is and that paleo is so common right now because it

makes it so easy to find recipes for everything!

i bought a couple paleo cook books in the last couple months.

which i have really enjoyed using.

cooking is not something i can say i love doing.

i don't really have a knack for it. 

but i'm getting better and it helps when i make something new and it turns out well.

yay for confidence building :)

this "oatmeal" recipe came from the basic 

Paleo for Beginners.

it was simple and delicious.

scarlett gobbled it down and i liked it, too!

start by throwing all of this in your food processor / blender:

1 cup nuts [ i used almonds because it's what i had at the time. i think throwing some pecans in there, too would be good!]

1/4 cup ground flaxseed [not apart of the recipe but i had some so i added it]

1/4 tsp ground ginger

1/4 tsp ground nutmeg

1 tsp cinnamon

transfer to a saucepan.

in a small bowl stir together

5 large eggs

1/2 cup non dairy milk [ i used coconut so as to not over do it on the almonds ]

until thick.

add 

2 mashed bananas 

2 tablespoons of almond butter

to the nut mixture in the pan and whisk until blended.

now stir the wet ingredients into the nut mixture and place over medium heat.

cook the resulting nut mixture, stirring constantly, until it's thick and the eggs are cooked,

5-7 minutes. 

top with fresh fruit, butter, pure maple syrup or honey.

i mixed some ghee and honey in after it was done cooking.

yum yum!

what's next?

wow. ok so first of all i have to say thank you to all of you.

your out pouring of love and support after my last post where i opened up about my infertility, has been a huge blessing, water to my soul.

some of you shared your own infertility stories with me and that touched me in such a special way.

i feel honored and can't wait to get to talk to you more!

one of you, an old friend, even offered your eggs to me.

whoa. 

i can't even put into words how that feels.

a lot of overwhelming feelings the last couple weeks that bring me to tears rather often.

in a good way.

the holidays are almost over...
ok they were almost over when i started writing this a couple days ago but now they're really almost over...as in a few hours.

which means.... alex and i are {supposed} to talk about how we want to move forward

and make a decision. 

since our last failed cycle of IVF, i've been saying,

"after the holidays we'll figure things out... after the holidays....after the holidays..."

i (and alex) needed a break. 

needed to at least pretend to forget about all of this...

to relax.

and it has mostly worked.

i can tell that i have not allowed myself to dwell on or accept the idea that i may not have anymore babies for a long time,

because when i write about it and therefore really think about it...

my heart starts to ache and i always cry. 

....but now the holidays are pretty much over.

and the time has come.

lol.

and that makes me anxious...

in an exciting way but also a nervous way.

i know we don't have to make any decisions before we want to.

and we're not going to rush into anything.

but i still feel this pressure to do something! 

i know it may not seem like a big deal to a lot of you...

and ultimately i guess it's really not.

but i don't want my kids far apart in age. 

that was never a part of my plan.

however, being told i couldn't have more than one kid was never a part of my plan either. ha.
i have zero idea of how many kids we will end up having....
but God knows i don't want them spread out over years and years.
if i had it totally my way  i would just be getting pregnant with our third right now haha.
just to give you an idea of where i'm at. ;)


Adoption
i have always...and i mean always wanted to adopt.
my heart has always been drawn to foreign countries where there are too many unwanted kids to count.
when i was a kid (ish) i planned out my family lol and
i had 2 or 3 biological children and a little girl from china
{oh i recently read that there are many more boys in need of families in china now because so many people are waiting for girls and passing up the baby boys. i thought that was interesting...and a little sad.)
and a baby boy from africa.
ha.

now that i'm older i realize how many babies in my own country need a family.

since my first failed cycle of IVF (in july) i have been thinking, praying, wondering and praying some more about all of this.
over all i have felt more peace than i could have ever guessed i would feel in a situation such as this.
that doesn't make it hurt less but it gives hope.
i have hope that my God is going to do something awesome in these shitty circumstances.
and hope is a powerful thing.

i often think that this is a way to force us (in a sense) to adopt.
alex may not currently be as passionate about adoption as i am but he has always loved the idea and has been more than open to it.
but i think with our financial situation
{basically being that we don't have a lot of money haha}
adoption would continue to be put on the sidelines if i was able to get pregnant.
it cost tens of thousands of dollars to adopt....
that's intimidating for a family with little to no savings.

when we think about adoption now we usually think about domestic adoption.
my mama self yearns for another newborn..a newborn newborn.
and that doesn't usually (if ever?) happen in a foreign adoption.
also, domestic adoption is usually slightly less expensive because of the lack of travel expenses.
tho keep in mind i am very new to this so i don't know a lot about the process yet so if i'm ever wrong about something please point it out!

as scared as i am of having to find the money and as much waiting as there often is and the possibility of lots of ups and downs i am very excited about the thought of adopting. it makes my heart light.

 Fostering (to adopt)
this is something i never thought i would consider doing.
i've always said it takes really special people to do this.
how heartbreaking to have a child apart of your family and then to have them taken away?!
i don't know that i'm emotionally ready for this.
but at the same time, how selfish on my part.
it's too hard for me?
what about that sweet child?
how much harder for him/her....?

this is something we have been discussing recently.
fostering with the intention and hope to adopt.

it would not cost us much/any money so that would not be an inhibitor.

but we would want to keep the birth order.
so would wait for a baby younger than scarlett...
the younger the better.
which again makes me feel selfish because i know there are so many older children/teens that need a family.
but for my daughter's sake i'm not willing to bring in an older child right now.

but this has more than opened my heart to fostering and i think that it is something that i really want to do as we/scarlett and any other kids we may have get older....
apart from our current situation.

it takes about 4-6 months to get licensed.
a random fact as i don't have anything to add to that.

this is a big possibility for us and something that moves my heart unlike anything else.
the idea of {what could only feel like our baby} being taken away from us after months/years breaks my heart. i can't think about it without tearing up.

hummmmmm.

thank you to my good friend, mary who has a heart for fostering and has talked to me a lot about it! she has had a big impact on the way i think about it.

Donor {eggs}
when my Dr first told us he didn't think i could get pregnant with my eggs he went on to talk about using an egg donor.
my heart immediately jumped!
no it wouldn't be mine biologically but i could have another baby sooner rather than later and i could be pregnant again.
i loved being pregnant.
and i absolutely took it for granted.
i never once thought that this could be the only pregnancy i would experience.
people would tell me i was born to make babies haha...
it's funny but now makes me sad to think about it.
i had an awesome pregnancy (minus the first trimester of constant puking)
and an amazing birth experience.
{i} thought i was born to have babies.
i loved it.

but then he said it cost $11,000 for an anonymous donor.
and insurance never covers it.

thru sobbing i eventually asked if they had payment plans.
he laughed (thanks) and said 7k went straight to the donor so no, no payment plans.
which makes sense but we don't have even close to $11,000.

he said we could find our own donor and that would be cheaper.

but you don't just ask someone for their eggs.

"hey, can you give yourself shots for weeks and then let the Dr dig up your cervix and take out some of your little half babies and then give them to me?"

that's weird.

but like i said at the beginning of this post,
a friend so selflessly offered hers to me.
something i'm still trying to grasp my head around. 

but i am sooo grateful for her.
even if she changes her mind down the road or we decide not to use a donor - the fact that she has offered this part of her will forever mean the world to me.

i don't know what we will do about this... but i do know that we will try IVF again {we have 2...possibly 3 more cycles that my insurance will cover for almost nothing on our part} before we use other eggs.

all i know is that i am in love with the thought of possibly being pregnant again.



so there you have it :)

we would soooo appreciate any prayers and wisdom you have to offer on this subject.

*sigh*
where to start....?

Well as some of you know, I started my first IVF cycle about 7 months ago.
You can read about what brought us to that here if interested.

I have had no desire to broadcast my infertility on Facebook but it has been so helpful to me to have close friends and family to talk things out with... or to simply vent to.

But now things have changed and I'm ready to talk publicly about it.
(yes, I can be a bit dramatic)

I imagine it will be somewhat thereputic for me...writing has always been that way for me.
I'm trying to move past the insecurities I have in my writing...trying to not worry about what you're thinking and just write.

And maybe, just maybe my experience with infertility will help someone else that is going thru something similar.
For me, simply hearing someone else's story and knowing I'm not alone is so encouraging.

Moving on.

I went into surgery last April thinking I was having another cyst on my ovary removed and woke up to hearing the nurses talking about how my Dr. had removed both my tubes. After that
I was told over and over again over the next month by doctors that I should be able to get pregnant very easily via IVF. I was upset that I lost my tubes and could no longer conceive naturally but after I made sure my insurance covered IVF I got pretty excited...I thought I would definitely be pregnant within a few months -- yay!

So I started my first cycle in May.

Lots of drugs.

Lots of needles.

It wasn't a terrible experience.

After needing Alex to give me the first two shots I got the nerve to do it myself
and then soon became a pro! Tho each time I had to start a new medication I got pretty anxious.
I was so nervous about not doing every thing absolutely perfect. And my doctor's office was not really on top of making sure I knew what to do. My dear nurse who is so sweet but spent only about 10 rushed minutes going thru all my meds with me at the very beginning of my cycle. So I went by the booklet that the pharmacy sent and some YouTube. But over all it was fine and pretty simple - I was just nervous. I wasn't nearly as emotional as I expected to be from all the hormones. Alex was also happy about that :)

So it wasn't a terrible experience until that almost two week wait after my transfer to find out if I was pregnant.

Waiting is the worst.

I had to take progesterone every day, which basically tricked my body into thinking I was pregnant.
I was a mess.
Anxious, not sleeping, crying, convinced I was pregnant because I had heartburn and the only other time I've ever had heartburn in my entire life was when I was newly pregnant with Scarlett.
So I was extremely hopeful I was pregnant.
And after they transferred the two embryos into me they took an ultrasound picture and put a heart around the two babies and gave it to us. I looked at that everyday. Praying for my "twins".

My blood test was schedule for two weeks after the transfer.

But after just one week I got my period....
I have never hated my body more. My heart completely dropped. I curled up on the couch and cried until Alex came inside from mowing the lawn.

And then I cried some more.

I think Alex was shocked. He had been more sure than me that I would get pregnant.

After more tears Alex insisted we call the nurse...maybe she would tell us it was normal to have some bleeding...maybe it was implantation. Maybe....?
Poor girl. She tried to sound positive but I could tell she wasn't.
She told me to keep taking the progesterone just in case.

Less than a week later I went in for my blood test. 

Needless to say, it was negative.

But at least we knew for sure. No more wondering and hoping. And in the midst of the slight

depression I felt I knew a lot of people don't get pregnant their first IVF cycle. This wasn't abnormal. Tho I did sometimes feel angry towards the doctors for being so confident that it would work right away - therefore building my confidence that it would work right away. But I think I just wanted someone to blame besides myself.

I remember feeling weepy all the time but also confident. I knew God was working out good in our awful situation. 

I know I was never pregnant....I know implantation never occurred. 

But I feel like I lost them. 

Those two sweet babes.

I did lose them, damnit.

It's strange and complicated and I don't understand it....

but my heart hurts. 

Two weeks later we go in to talk to Dr Karande about the cycle and our next step...I assumed he would just give us the go ahead to start a second cycle.
Which he did. But not until after he told us he doesn't think I will ever be able to get pregnant with "eggs like these".
Which took Alex and I totally off guard and put me in instant tears.
We were not expecting that. But my endometriosis is so bad that it's destroying all my eggs.

We left his office pretty distraught. But the nurses had been more hopeful about the possibility of pregnancy and encouraged us to not give up yet.

We eventually decided to start a second cycle -- that was a couple months ago.
It was harder for me than the first time. Probably because I knew the chances were so low.
This time we didn't even make it to retrieval because my estrogen levels were too high to result in pregnancy. So they refused to do it.

When the nurse called to tell me that I cried...no surprise. And told her just to cancel the retrieval then because we couldn't afford to freeze the eggs. But I wanted to talk to Alex first so she said I could call her later to confirm our decision.

Alex was in meetings tho.

I prayed and prayed.

And in my heart I felt like we should just go through with it.
We were already praying for a miracle...Would a little extra estrogen make a difference in that miracle? I don't believe so. While I prayed, this verse in (is it 1st or 2nd?) Corinthians kept coming to mind,

 "My strength in made perfect in weakness."

I felt such peace and hope. I still do. But at that time I felt hopeful that I would be pregnant in the next couple weeks.

I talked to the nurse again and told her I changed my mind - we wanted to go forward with the retrieval even if the odds were against us.
So the next day we went to the office and apparently there was a misunderstanding because I was under the impression we were going forward as normal and the nurse had thought we were going to freeze the eggs. But once the Dr. understood where we were coming from she (gently) refused to do the retrieval.
So once again I left that office in tears.

We're now taking a break....a much needed break. After the holidays we'll talk more about our options and what our next step is. Adoption? Fostering to adopt? Donor eggs? ...IVF?
Tho I can tell you now it won't be IVF...unless God changes something in me drastically, I don't have the strength to do it again right now.
eventually....down the road....but not now.

I probably don't have to say this but the last 8...especially the last 6 have been the most emotionally exhausting of my life. I'm so tired. All I've wanted is to be a mom. And I'm so grateful I am. But I've always imagined a home full of kids...it's character and strength building when things don't go the way you planned :)...a nice way of saying it's shitty.

But at the same time I am more grateful for my little family than I ever thought possible... and for our over all health.
I know there are families going through so much worse and I can't and don't want to imagine how hard that is.
I'm grateful for our health and everyday God gives us.

I used to think that meant I had no right to be sad. But I was wrong.

It's ok to let myself feel.

It's ok to wanna cry when I find out someone else is pregnant.

It's ok to feel angry when a woman complains about her pregnancy.

It's ok to not want to talk about babies with your pregnant friends.

It's ok.


{to all my beautiful pregnant friends out there, I love you and this is not personal. I am genuinely happy for you. I promise. I am just also sad for me. I'm sorry if that sounds self centered. Maybe it is. I don't know.}


While writing this I started crying and Scarlett comes over to me and gently strokes my face and quietly says, "It be ok mama. I help you feel better. it be ok."
I can't stay sad for too long with this sweet girl. I am truly thankful for her and Alex.

Thanks for reading, friends.

Dearest Scarlett :: you are two!

 

happy birthday my darling girl! 

i can't believe that you are TWO already.

it's true that time flies when you're having fun. 

people always ask me what my favorite age has been....

and I always tell them the same thing, 

"this one!"
it's true. we just keep having more and more fun and i love you more and more every single day.
how that's possible, i don't know.

you are wonderful in ever way, baby girl.
you are sweet.
you are funny.
you are loveable and loving.

you weigh 32 lbs and about 37 in tall.
off the charts for both!
you have been at around 30 lbs for a good 6 months.
you're also still wearing 3T clothes and some 4T.




to be continued ;)


{I never finished writing this in september lol. i'm not on top of it.}

"it's not working!"

 our little lady peed in the potty! 

                                it happened almost two weeks ago now....and she has used the potty everyday since then :) :) :) 

                                                      

i noticed that she was getting irritated with her diapers - always wanting it off or changed...saying "poopy diaper mama."  while trying to take it off. so I finally asked her if she wanted to check the potty out. 

she had been showing zero interest in it and i wasn't gonna push it. but as soon as she gave me a sign she might be ready, i asked!... and she quickly said "yeah!" 

so I took her diaper off and we went to her little potty that was sitting in our bathroom. 

she peed almost immediately!

 oh goodness was i excited! i could hardly believe it.

 we had decided a long time ago to follow her lead and not try to force it but she had been showing such little interest i found myself occasionally thinking "what if she never wants to use the potty?!" 

yep. she's not even two and i was starting to worry that my child would never learn to use the toilet. 

classic.

so when she was suddenly excited about trying the toilet and peed RIGHT AWAY, i was ecstatic. 

I think I even teared up. but that's not unusual for me these days. she's growing so fast. 

the next day she sat on the potty again and after just a few seconds of not peeing,

 she very concernedly looks down at her vagina and says, "not working mama...no working." 

oh it was so hard for me not to laugh. she is sweeter than words.

and then lo and behold it worked and she peed. 

which brought a giant grin from both of us. 

We don't give her any treats for going on the potty. 

it makes my heart so light to see how proud of herself she is

and we let her see that joy. 

she brings us so much joy -- no matter where she pees. 

i love that my life has brought me to this place that i am excited about someone peeing in the toilet :)